What would He want to change about Me?

Resign from immediate effect from your self appointed post of Task Manager. I’ll repair the TV/computer/all other machines/ pay the utilities & do other necessary stuff around the house. But I’ll do it depending on my MOOD & not on the urgency of the task at hand. This “late latheef” attitude always gets us into bigger troubles & unnecessary headaches. I agree. But well, even so, I’ve decided. My mood will decide what has to be done when!

Yes, sometimes, a quick 5 minute fag session with a pal can actually run into an hour. Don’t call & ask every 15 minutes, "What happened?” Or “Where are you? What are you doing?" Just as you wouldn't want me to call you up when you’re in the parlor, I don’t want you to call me when I’m with very important people (VIP) doing very important things (VIT). If it helps, recall how once, you marched off to the salon saying, "Oh, just 10 minutes work. Only eyebrows" & didn’t reappear till an hour or 2 later. Also, can't a man go out without his wife giving him a list of home provisions to procure? When I go to get cigarettes, you say, "Can you get coriander leaves? Please!” When I go to get beer, you say, "Can you get bay leaves? Please!" This running errands thing - not happening!

When there is a match, you can't stand in front of the TV & ask inane questions like, "Sattu, did you pay the electricity bill?” This is not the time for you to ‘remind’ me that last month I had totally forgotten to pay it & they had cut off the connection!! You can't assign utterly useless & wrongly timed tasks like, "Oh, the tomatoes are over, I can't make the curry. Can you get ¼ kg tomatoes?" And when I say, "No", you can't go into an explanation overdrive saying, "But you can take the bike & come back in 2 seconds (2 seconds!! Yeah right!!) I’ll have to walk!" You are forbidden from these acts henceforth. And no, don't look at me like that. We are NOT going to 'reconsider' this matter.

At the dining table, when I exclaim, ‘Masha Allah’ it means the food tastes amazing, pure delight. This you know already. Now please understand that I can't say it every single day or for every single meal. So you can’t go, "How's it?" on me every time, everyday. Interpret my silences better. Ok, let me help you. See, when I’m eating it silently, it means one of 3 things:

1. The food is tasty enough but I’m not in a mood to write a poem on it.

2. I am SO hungry that no matter how it is, I’ll polish off the whole plate. Or I’m too busy Eating to heap praises. So don’t peer into my eyes. Or stare at my plate to see how fast or how slowly the food is disappearing from it. The food is good & I just want to eat it silently without a performance appraisal.

3. I really have no choice but to eat it, right? So I am eating it.

Get the codes?

Getting me the towel after my shower is not a crime. My mother did it. So can you. No, I do not want to hear your on-the-spot, oral presentation on your imaginary doctoral thesis titled "Social Conditioning of Indian Men over the Centuries & the Battle of the Towel" I’ll not take my towel when I go to shower. I want you to bring it to me. Period!

During our fortnightly/monthly/yearly major fights, you must keep your volume LOW. We are fighting, not competing for the prize of ‘Who is the loudest”.

Ok, now onto one of your pet peeves: discussing things! No, we can’t talk shop when

I'm IN office

I've just returned FROM office

I'm HAVING dinner

I'm ABOUT TO go to bed

No, we can’t do so on weekends, not on public holidays either. Then when do we talk? You ask. Good question. My answer: We have been married for 7 years now. Figure that out yourself. But hey no matter what you arrive at, basically here's the deal: we can do so when I want to which is generally – "Tomorrow"!

from Sathya

What would I want to change about him?

He tends to keep what he is feeling to himself. I’d really love to hear the dreaded words, “Honey, we need to talk” or, anything else to that effect, to actually understand what on earth is going on, all the time, in that big head of his & which, no one, I repeat, no one is privy to. What is the big deal about not wanting to share? I can never figure that out. I keep telling him, he’ll one day fall sick with all those secrets & things he keeps buried in his heart & he says he’d prefer that to pouring it all out. Arrrgh!!

I’d like to change his eating & sleeping habits. Odd hours & inadequate sleep plus inordinate amounts of food gulped down at the wrong times is a sure fire recipe for extremely unhealthy. Does he listen to the in-house dietician/nutritionist, i.e. me? NO. Does it matter that I’ve read “Don't Lose your Mind, Lose your Weight” start to finish AND backwards & completely assimilated what Rujuta shared? NO. Does it matter that I offer my invaluable services absolutely free of charge to my only client, my one & only husband? No. What matters to him is: Cook lovingly, serve lovingly, rest leave it. Shobha De, you were right. You wrote the very same thing in “Surviving Men” But how can I live with the fact that I married a lean & fit man, who now increasingly resembles Eddie Murphy in The Nutty Professor or at least, that is what my worst fears are.

I hate his snoring too. And when I say that, I must be speaking on behalf of one half of the entire female population who feel that about the men in their life whether father/brother or husband!

I want to go down on my knee & plead to him, “Can we please, in the name of all the Gods you believe in, limit your passion, your love, your fervor, your devotion & your reverence, FOR BEER, to just the weekend? Can we come to a settlement that Monday to Friday is strictly No Beer Days?” And please stop saying I must have beer because there is an important match today or they won, so I need to celebrate or oh! they lost, so I need to mourn or today is the first day of salary, so time for beer or today is the last day of salary, so beer. No, please none of that already! I have had enough of your love affair with that bottle. (Mr. Mallya, if you are reading this, I hate you!!)

But frankly, I can & I’ve lived with all of that. I can still pardon it (if he ever gets around to reading this post, I can see him glowering, particularly at the word ‘pardon’) What I really want him to know is that, the basic function of a phone, irrespective of whether it is priced at Rs 3000 or Rs 30,000, is to make a call & receive a call, especially during an emergency.

And the definition of emergency is: whenever your dear wife calls! Unlike in the dark ages, when you received a telegram after the person was dead & buried, or, if you are lucky, while he was breathing his last, mobile technology & all the features & the hundred and more things it does, means nothing to me, your wife, if you don’t receive my call. No, seriously, I don’t care what miracles your phone is capable of doing. The only feature I’m interested in is the one that lets you receive my call. Excuses like ‘it was in my trouser pocket’; ‘I was too drunk to hear it ringing’ ‘it was in silent mode’ won’t work. If you are too busy downing one pitcher of beer after another, & have no time in the world to pick up your phone, please kindly do this just one time: take your phone out of your pocket, search my number, press the call button, & for heaven’s sake utter these precious words: “I’ll be late”. That’s all I ask.

And the change I want to see in myself? To stop expecting seeing any change in him!

Ah! Wait! But THAT I can’t do!

जब तक जान रहेगी, ये इन्तेहाँ रहेगी, की काश ...

which is Hindi for As long as I live, I will continue to wish …